The true transformation and change come from a place of self-compassion. Today we are talking to Krista from the Healthy Selfish Movement. She is showing others that it is ok to be selfish, actually, it is more than ok to be selfish as it is what restores our own energy!
When you are DOING life or business you lose sight of those things that are important, including yourself. Approaching change from this standpoint will lead to the rollercoaster of change. However, if you want true transformational change you must come in with self-compassion.
Are you already playing by your own rules or are you restricted by someone else strategy? Seeking outside validation to be worthy, people-pleasing, seeking approval of others? These patterns are used to keep you safe, but also keep you small and boxed in. You keep beating the snot out of yourself, instead of leaning in to who you really are.
Krista Resnick is a women’s leadership expert, success coach, sought-after speaker, and mother to 3 teenage boys.
She is a powerhouse of soul, fun, compassion, and vibrancy. Her honest and curious approach guides the women she serves in a way that is both real, true, and supportive.
Her work empowers female leaders to stop settling, embrace their wholeness, and define success on their own terms.
Her Selfish Healthy Movement has helped hundreds of women across the globe. Krista is a walking permission slip, inspiring women to show up unapologetically and live a life that lights their souls on fire.
Connect with Krista
Unknown Speaker 0:00
So welcome, Krista.
Unknown Speaker 0:02
Thank you. I am super excited to be here.
Unknown Speaker 0:05
I am so glad you said yes to come on. And I want to know what is the thing that is firing you up today?
Unknown Speaker 0:13
Oh, do we have to pick one? Nope.
Unknown Speaker 0:17
Go every we could go in whatever direction you want. Like what? What’s, what’s that burning fire?
Unknown Speaker 0:23
burning? Immediately when you ask that question I can’t not not. I know that’s so grammatically, like insane. All the teachers out there who might listen are gonna be like, oh, Did she just say that she said not not. But I can’t not not talk about compassion. It’s like, it’s everything, meeting ourselves with self compassion. Because most women, most humans, really, I don’t know that this is just a female issue. I think it’s a human issue. We are so ruthless and judgmental toward ourselves. And we cannot evolve and heal and grow. When we are beating the snot out of ourselves. It just doesn’t work. And when you meet yourself with compassion, that’s when you can finally start to release and start to build some awareness, and really start to make what I call transformational change, change that lasts.
Unknown Speaker 1:31
So what does living out of compassion look like?
Unknown Speaker 1:37
What does living out of compassion look like? Well, for me, it looks like being warm, and kind. And grace filled toward yourself. So a lot of times, I will ask a client to think about if they’ve got kids, one of their children, a niece or nephew, they don’t have children, a pet, and how they feel about that individual. And of course, all the warm fuzzies and kindness and compassion and all those beautiful things. Take that same energy, take those same feelings, and now turn them toward yourself. Because that sweet little girl is there within you. But you’re so busy beating the snot out of yourself, that you just you miss her, you just miss her. So it really means to just give yourself the grace. Give yourself the kindness, the love. Ditch, the perfectionism. Perfect isn’t a thing. It’s just it’s not even a real thing. doesn’t exist. It’s a dirty curse word as far as I’m concerned. And way rather people fly the F word around, then use the word perfect because I think it has created so much destruction in our society, people trying to live up to this image that doesn’t even exist. So when we just remove the word and stop using it, it’s like, ah, sweet freedom. Thank you. Thank you. So playing by your own rules, you know, just creating your own rules, putting your hand on your heart and just saying I see you. I see you sweetheart. I mean, like talking to yourself this way. You’re safe. You’re loved. It is safe, to be seen. It is safe, to be loved. It is safe to be. Does that explain it?
Unknown Speaker 3:50
I think it does. I mean, it’s it’s that, that being with self and being empowered by myself kind of like moving into that loving into yourself a little bit more instead of outside is telling you.
Unknown Speaker 4:04
Yeah, we outsource our worth, because we’re taught that at a really early stage. I mean, if you think about it, we were born into this world, these delicious, amazing humans worthy love, just pure love. And there we are laying in the bassinet. swaddled up in 500 blankets, you know, that’s just you know what moms do. And we can’t really offer up anything, anything external. Not really contributing. We’re just literally laying there swaddled up doing nothing. And yet, we’re just this complete and total ball of love. And somewhere along the way, we pick up patterns We pick up these beliefs, you know, Johnny on the playground told us that our eyes were too close together, and we’re ugly. Or we walk up to a little group of girls in third grade, and we want to be part of the club. And the minute you approach them, they stop talking, or whatever your story is, we all have one. Unless you’re listening and you’re a robot, you might not have a story. If you’re human, and you’re listening, which I’m going to assume that you are, you’ve got a story of some capacity could be something from a parent, grandparent, coach, teacher doesn’t matter. We’ve all got those stories. And then from that hurt from that wounding from that, that shame and humiliation, we create these strategies to compensate. They might look like perfectionism, right? I just, if I could just get if I could just do everything perfect. If I could just get all my T’s crossed, and my eyes dotted if I could just get that book written, then I’ll be worthy. If I could just get that BMW in my garage, oh, then I will know that I’m worthy. And people will appreciate me. If I could just get that promotion. Whatever it is, people pleasing is another massive strategy for I would say most women, most women struggle with some spectrum of people pleasing, approval seeking is another strategy. Judging is another strategy. So you get the point, we pick up strategies. And we think that’s who we are. But it’s not who we are. They’re just patterns that we utilized in our life, to keep us safe, because nobody likes feeling shame, and humiliation and embarrassment, and fear, and all of those things sadness. So we create these strategies, we create these patterns. We just operate from that place. And we outsource our worth, we literally hand it over to other people, to jobs to the next accolade or accreditation that we’re trying to search for. Not realizing that we’ve been worthy the whole time. We’ve been loved the whole time. We just lost our way a little bit just got covered up. So I don’t even know what the question was, I forgot. But that was a whole lot of preaching and teaching, I guess I don’t know.
Unknown Speaker 7:29
And that’s what this is here for you to stand and to share. Because a lot of us are stuck in those patterns that you’re talking about.
Unknown Speaker 7:37
Unknown Speaker 7:40
And it’s, it’s like a disservice to the world to stay there. And I think there’s so much magic in stepping above. So I know that you probably have a story of your own, of where you were. Do you want to share some of that?
Unknown Speaker 7:55
Yeah, I definitely I definitely have a story. You know, my story started was some of the first memories that I have. Were in kindergarten, I loved school, I loved learning. I still love learning. And I can recall I was at school that day, and I was sitting on the mat, crisscross applesauce with my braided little pigtails. And the teacher called me up to the front of the class. Every child got their turn to write their ABCs on the chalkboard. And my job was to write my G. So I was in charge of the G that day and I just for whatever reason I couldn’t write the GE I was just struggling. And she took my hand and slapped it as hard as she could in front of all of the students. And I remember just the sensation of warm tears filling my eyes, that feeling of being flushed in the cheek. Second grade, same thing had a teacher who stood over my desk and just relentlessly screamed at hollered at me because I was not comprehending how to do certain aspects of math, this concept of math, she was teaching it wasn’t clicking with me. I wasn’t a math kid. And she would scream and holler and I can just recall thinking to myself, if I had a shovel and I could just dig my way to China or even beyond. I be so they’re so fast. Because again, it was that shame it was that humiliation. Fifth grade not getting invited to the popular girls birthday party. All of those stories collected in my subconscious mind, which formulated beliefs. People don’t like you. You’re not likable. You’re not one of the cool kids. You’re stupid. Those were some of mine. I lived out those patterns. I became a people pleaser. I became a pretzel pleasing contortionist, I was constantly contorting myself for somebody’s approval. Maybe if I just contort myself a little this way, they’ll accept me. And I was a chameleon, I was constantly changing and adjusting myself so that I could fit to whatever I thought the mold was. And then of course, I ran the pattern of telling myself I was stupid. So then, interestingly enough, I tried to compensate. For that pattern, I got really horrible grades in high school. Because if I tried, then that meant, if I didn’t get a good grade, I would feel that pain of well, I tried and see what happens and then be humiliated all over again. So I just stopped trying. But then something happened, something switched. When I went to college, and I took a little time off from high school. I kind of had the long route plan.
Unknown Speaker 11:04
And I actually couldn’t get into college right away because my grades were so poor. So I had to do some other things first, and got to college and just drove myself mad trying to overachieve. Trying to prove it to my parents myself. But it was overdrive. I mean, if the teacher said, if the professor said, we’ve got an assignment, do term paper, whatever paper three months from now, I literally would leave that class and get my backside to the library immediately. Start working on the paper. I mean, we’re talking extreme overachieving. So I exhausted myself, I’ve had fried adrenals twice, because of the stress that I created in my own life, the pressure that I created. So those were some of the ways that my patterns played out. And then I got married, had three kids, lots and lots of people pleasing. So not really being as present with my kids as I would like, because I was constantly running around, trying to please everybody trying to put all of these things on the calendar that really didn’t matter to me, they really weren’t priorities. But I thought if I just did this, and I just did this, and I just did this, I’d be a good mom. And so and so like me, and I’d fit here and and fit there. And I can remember my moment, and it’s not really a significant moment. And I love my story. Because it’s not a pivotal, like, my house didn’t go up in flames. And there wasn’t some life tragedy that, you know, I had to take a look at. Sometimes I think we can be caught in that trap of thinking it’s got to be something so extreme. So I point that out. Because for the listeners tuning in watch for just sometimes the littlest things just start to be an observer. That’s what I did, I was moving the laundry, from the washing machine to the dryer one day, all my kids had finally entered into school. So I really didn’t have anybody home with me anymore. It was still staying at home, choosing to stay at home, doing a lot of the PTA stuff, just trying to figure out what this next season of life was going to look like. And I stood in front of the dryer just kind of lingered there for a minute or so. And I thought, My gosh, my life is like those clothes spinning around in the dryer, it just jostles and gets belts to and fro from one place to another I have no direction. I feel like I have no purpose. I have no meaning. I don’t know what direction I’m headed. That was my moment where I made that choice. I don’t know what the next step is for me. But I know it’s not this. I know it’s not this. So that’s what catapulted me into actually being a photographer first for several years, which was super cool. And then that ultimately led me to becoming a certified coach.
Unknown Speaker 14:00
That’s amazing. I love that you pointed out it doesn’t have to be some like life changing thing to be life changing.
Unknown Speaker 14:09
Yes, yes. It’s so much about slowing down. being present with yourself being compassionate with yourself. Because so many people have the story. I don’t have time. I don’t have time. I’m so far behind the eight ball. I’m so overwhelmed, right? That self beating story. So being compassionate with yourself so that you can slow down giving yourself permission to slow down and be an observer of your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviors, your actions, all of it, so that you can make some empowered conscious choices of how you really want to show up for life.
Unknown Speaker 14:48
And I think that’s amazing, and it probably leads to a lot of like creating boundaries so that it stays in where you want it to be correct.
Unknown Speaker 14:57
Boundaries are a massive component out Absolutely to self love to confidence to being an expression of your purpose, massive component. Yep.
Unknown Speaker 15:09
So with the self compassion and boundaries now what have you combined? And what have you started with the knowledge that you have? Because that’s a really big shift. And I know, because I’ve done the research, I’ve done the done the cyber stalking, as I like to call it. Can you tell us a little bit about like, how you’re incorporating that into your life right now?
Unknown Speaker 15:30
boundaries and compassion into my life right now? Yes. I’m giggling because boundaries, is one of those boundaries actually aren’t so much of an issue for me anymore. A because I’m, I really know how to implement them. And I know what my boundaries are, but B. area and a lot of people asking me to do squat these days. These people just know, right? People just know that what I’m kind of available for. So I don’t get asked to do a lot of things. But you know, somebody the other day asked me for coffee. Somebody new in my world. I don’t I don’t actually know her, but she kind of came landing into my inbox. Hey, we should hook up for coffee. I don’t do coffee. I don’t do coffee. I made that decision A long time ago. I don’t like it. I actually can’t stand going for coffee. Do you know how many freaking years I went and had coffee and hated it? But because I didn’t want to upset the other person? I said, Yes. What about upsetting me? When does that come into play? When does my priorities and the vision for my life come into my line of vision. We have to be convicted in the notion that we are the CEOs of our own life. It is not about pleasing other people. Now I’m not an asshat about it, right? very kind and how I deliver the boundary, if I’m not kind and how I deliver the boundary that’s on me. And I need to go and clean up my side of the street, I have to take ownership and responsibility for that. I have to reroute and say I apologize, I came off a little rude, I came off a little whatever. But I’ve been down this road enough that I can deliver a pretty kind and compassionate boundary. So typically, I don’t have any street cleaning to do. So how they respond. That’s all their wounding coming up for them. So here’s where the compassion comes in. This is where it gets super fun, is utilizing compassion as a tool when their wounding and their hurt does come up. They get triggered because she won’t have coffee with me. When I’m utilizing compassion as a tool, I know and understand that that’s just their stuff coming up. I don’t need to meet them and shame them. What do you think you are? Right? I can just understand and show them compassion. And know that maybe they have a rejection wound. Who knows what they’re dealing with? But compassion for the win all the way? That makes sense.
Unknown Speaker 18:13
Yeah, it sounds like a life full of like freedom and flow. And you keep using the word fun. And that’s like, That’s like my keyword in life is like, if you’re not having fun,
Unknown Speaker 18:21
you’re doing it wrong. Exactly, exactly. So I’ve kind of packaged all of these components up into something that I call healthy, selfish. You and I were talking a little bit about this before we hit record, but I don’t coach and teach women how to be selfish in the way that the world deems. I teach women and I coach women how to make self Honoring Choices. And I very deliberately use that word selfish because it’s a little trigger a trigger that triggering Good Lord, I make up my own word. So I think I was trying to combine triggering and activating. I don’t know what that would equate to. But that would be fun. You should play with that.
Unknown Speaker 19:06
To activate tractive
Unknown Speaker 19:09
Yeah, for active. Yeah, my clients and my students know that I combine words all the time. So it’s literally like they’re sitting in anticipation, waiting for something to fly out of my mouth. That is like the most abstract weird word and we always giggle about it. But anyway, um, so I use that word very deliberately, because we have been taught that making self Honoring Choices is selfish. So it can be a little triggering for people. It can be a little polarizing people can be like, well, what the hell is going down with her? Like, why wouldn’t you be teaching people how to be selfish. I’m not actually teaching them to be selfish asshats I’m teaching them to be self honoring, building a life from purpose from vision. You were born with a divine assignment. I believe that I believe that. And when you’re floating around this world, caught up in your patterns of perfectionism, judgment, people pleasing all of the muck, the the stuff that none of us really want. Having an opinion about everything, right? We’re not focusing on our purpose and our vision, it’s totally taking us off course, totally taking us off course. So let’s heal all of that stuff. And let’s get back to making some self Honoring Choices so that we can live out our divine assignment. Be an expression of our purpose.
Unknown Speaker 20:47
My love, I love that you’re taking back the word selfish, because I don’t think selfishness is a bad word at all. I love being selfish, because it means that I’m filling up myself showing up in that way.
Unknown Speaker 21:00
Yeah. Well, and again, it’s a polarizing word. I mean, I’ve received some really interesting messages. How dare you, right. And that’s where you have to just go, okay, love and light, compassion. Obviously, that word is very triggering for that person for a reason, they probably more than likely were one of those people that spent maybe a lot of their life being selfish, or they were taught, you know, I have a client that I worked with a while ago that she struggled with that word, at first, because it was so hammered into her, that it’s selfish to think about yourself, and to do your own self care and put your own needs first. So that was that was something we had to work through. Because it triggered her it took her back to that childhood memory. So it can be polarizing, I realized that but as I mentioned, I actually use it very deliberately, it was a very conscious choice. And I find that most people love it. Once they kind of understand what it’s all about, they love it. So sometimes there has to be some upfront educating, so that they don’t think I’m teaching people to be narcissists.
Unknown Speaker 22:18
And it’s, it’s sad that society has trained us that that’s like, what that word means. I know growing up, that was one of the things like, you can’t have money, you can’t do all the things that’s selfish and self serving, and that makes you an evil person. And I’m like, I wonder how those patterns have played out in my life. Go away. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 22:39
yeah. But there again, just being compassionate with yourself. Noticing being an observer of yourself, rather than judging those thoughts. Let them come out. See what’s there for you to explore? You know, I’m obsessed with my peloton. And a few weeks ago, I was writing and my husband was down in the kitchen. And I came down after my ride and he’s like, what was going on up there? All that cheering and clapping. I’m like, I was cheering for myself. Hello, don’t you cheer for yourself? I mean, it is like a party. When I’m on that peloton. I am singing and screaming and cheering and clapping. Because I need to be my own biggest cheerleader. We all need to be our own biggest cheerleaders.
Unknown Speaker 23:39
Unknown Speaker 23:40
we do. Because you can’t count on anybody else to do it for you. So no, you know, people how to teach how to treat you. So if you’re your own cheerleader, other people then want to cheer with you.
Unknown Speaker 23:53
Yeah, yeah. And if you’re not your own best cheerleader, what’s going to happen is that inner critic is going to be driving the bus that’s going to have the dominant voice. So you’ve got to meet the inner critic with compassion wants to be heard, you’ve got to give it a space to use its voice. What we resist persists. So if you just resist it, it’s gonna get louder. It’s gonna be like a nasty little two year, two year old that didn’t have its nap for five days in a row and just be having a temper tantrum, right. I know. So you have to give it a voice. Again, it goes back to meeting it with compassion. And then you’ve got to do the work around reframing and being your own best cheerleader.
Unknown Speaker 24:39
That’s amazing. So you say that you have a community? Can you tell us a little bit about that and where to find it?
Unknown Speaker 24:46
Yes, I have communities. So I have. Yeah, no, right. Um, I have a free private Facebook group, which is amazing. It’s called the healthy self. This movement, totally free. I do a Tuesday talk every Tuesday morning 9am Central Standard Time on something, something juicy. Something in the you know, personal growth field, all about self compassion, intuition. So self care, healthy, selfish, you name it all sorts of different fun topics. So that is the first place people can find me. So I also have a podcast, which is now going to be called permission. Granted, I did a little bit of a rebrand here recently. And the reason why I switched to permission granted was it’s been something that I’ve been using in my business for years, I do a Friday email called the Friday permission slip. Because I find that even though I don’t really believe women need permission, like you need to give yourself permission. Sometimes women just need permission. They they think they do. So every week, I do this fun, juicy little tidbit on something to give yourself permission for and they’re really phenomenal emails. So make sure that if you’re listening you you sign up for the emails. I’ve been doing that for years. And all of a sudden, I’m like, wait a minute, why am I not doing that with my podcast. So the name changed recently. And it’s called permission granted podcast. So that’s super fun. That’s some some other place where people can tune in. And then I have a school. It was scatto. Right, I have a school of badassery. So that is a really fun place for women to come and a connects with other women who are investing in themselves, who are doing the work, who are supportive, and working to be more and more conscious, they’re working to really be the woman in their vision, their their best future self. So what we do inside the School of badass ray is once a month, we have a hot personal growth topic that goes down, I teach and you can come live, it’s best if you do, but the replays always available.
Unknown Speaker 27:12
We’ve done overwhelm we’ve done boundaries, we’ve done expectations. Right now what I’m walking the women through is understanding energy. Because understanding energy is really understanding yourself. And when you can master your energy, you can step into self mastery. So this would be an amazing time to join. Because it is been off the chains. Amazing, amazing, the women are having so many shifts, they’re feeling so free in who they are, and in the choices that they’re making. Once a month inside the School of badassery, we also have group coaching. So you get the opportunity to be coached by me once a month. Plus, you’re able to tag me for support in the Facebook community. That’s a different private Facebook community, the school of badass free Facebook community. So that you know if a question comes up, you just tag me and I’m able to answer. That’s pretty cool. The other thing that I have I have so many things I think you have no idea I’m like a circus clown that like you know all these clowns are like piling out of the car. I have all of these things I just released this week a work life balance video series. So that’s pretty cool. So many people in today’s world you know they’re looking for work life balance. And then last but not least, I have an outstanding absolutely epic off the chains amazing group coaching program called made for this. Because you were made for this life. You were made for this time. And when you are busy, being all wrapped up in overwhelm people pleasing, perfectionism, insecurity, anger, not that, not that, you know, anger is not a valid emotion. I actually love anger. But when you’re sitting in that state, right of grief and sadness, and victimhood and murder, ism, and all of the googly black, you’re not being an expression of your purpose. You’re not really living, true fulfillment. So that is an off the chains amazing 10 week program where we uncover your purpose, create your one year vision, do some emotional release work, because it’s super important. All of those emotions that you’ve been suppressing, are taking up energetic real estate in your body and you don’t even know it. So we spend a couple weeks on that. And then we start to move into some beautiful mindset work and belief work and get you up and running being an expression of your purpose. So we basically tackle all of the things that are blocking you. So people often, you know, they wonder, Well, where’s the strategy, right? Like, I need a strategy, I need a strategy, I need like a five step strategy, a seven step strategy. Well, that’s great, I can give you a strategy, right? But it’s not going to do you a lot of good. If you’ve got this whole block of gobbledygook, blocking you from really doing the strategy, it’s going to be five steps forward, three, back to forward, one back, it’s not going to be sustainable. So that’s where we tackle all of those blocks. Finally, out of the way,
Unknown Speaker 30:48
I love that I love that you’re embodying that too. And you’re allowing people to see your, you know, I, my whole thing, my whole outside of the feature body with Love is the perfectly in perfect. So it’s like that in that you can start somewhere because it started it can be messy, and it’s gonna be messy and letting those feelings bubble up. And those strategies are great, but you’re speaking my love language. And you say, let’s throw those out and really focus on like, what serves you? Yes, not these other strategies, what
Unknown Speaker 31:20
serves you, right? Oh, my gosh, yes, you are the strategy. You are the strategy. I mean, how many times you know, in your life, did you show up? And I don’t know, you know, I remember my first several first 7500, Facebook Lives, trying to show up as somebody that I wasn’t because I was trying to fit into somebody else’s strategy. Or you need to do so many emails, or you need to do so many of this or that, because it’s the strategy. I create my own strategy. Yeah, there’s a time to look at analytics and numbers, of course, of course. But you really are the strategy truly, truly, if you are not aligned. And your energy is not where it needs to be. And some of those higher vibrational feeling states. No strategy is going to do you any good. You’ve literally wasted your time. And your resources.
Unknown Speaker 32:22
Unknown Speaker 32:25
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Sorry, not sorry.
Unknown Speaker 32:31
I think that I don’t know. I’m just I’m so excited that you’re bringing this to other women, because we do it is a movement. Like you said, Your it’s your group is a movement. It’s not just like, come join this community. No, it’s a movement because we need to change how society operates and teaches us and that super masculine, structured strategy. And I just tap into yourself and I love I love that you teach people to tap into themselves? Yes.
Unknown Speaker 33:03
Yes. Yeah, it goes back to how we originally started. And we’ve spent too many years too many decades outsourcing our worth. It’s time to take it back. Stop giving our power away to everybody outside of us everything outside of us, and take it back and be proud of who we are.
Unknown Speaker 33:26
I absolutely love that. So I’m going to ask my final fun question. If someone was to walk away with just a little tidbit, I mean, like your, your big Mic drop moment, like,
Unknown Speaker 33:38
Unknown Speaker 33:38
what is it?
Unknown Speaker 33:42
Just one, huh?
Unknown Speaker 33:43
Unknown Speaker 33:48
Unknown Speaker 33:51
What’s coming up for me?
Unknown Speaker 33:56
Unknown Speaker 33:58
I mean, there’s obviously so many things I always love to say, one of my favorite things, that kind of kick I’m on right now is we don’t go to the church of one right way. So what works for somebody else might not work. So of course, with that, with that principle in mind, I could literally rattle off 100 things. But what I’m going to go back to because it really is that powerful is compassion. When you are in judgment of other people, things because things are more comfortable to judge than other people, right? It’s always more comfortable to judge a thing than it is a person but one piece of advice, start to notice your judgments. Because what that means is you’re judging yourself. All judgment is self judgment. You’re just projecting it onto something or someone else. So that’s when we have to look in the mirror. We have to go what’s really going on here? What’s really going on here? May I share a really fast example? Yep. You know that I had my recent rebrand. And I was really struggling with rebranding, because everybody knew me as this thing, right? So I’m toying with this idea of doing the rebrand. And all the while I’m starting to notice this woman. She’s an acquaintance. She’s a colleague, and her marketing stuff started coming up in my Facebook feed. For whatever reason, I know the reason we’ll get to that in a minute, and I was activated by it. I was triggered by it. I was judging it. She doesn’t look very authentic. I don’t think she’s being very authentic. She seems really disingenuous. That message that just doesn’t fit her that I had, I had these stories. And this happened for a few days. And all of a sudden, I decided to take my own advice of what I teach other people. And I went, Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on what’s actually happening here? What’s actually happening here? Oh, you’re judging her? Because you’re not being authentic? Because you’re being disingenuous. Because that message is no longer in alignment for you. And you’re trying to make it work. And it’s not you anymore. It’s the old view. So of course, of course, I wouldn’t be noticing that, right? Of course, that would be triggering me. So when I got honest with myself, and showed myself the compassion, that’s when I was able to do the work. But imagine if I was just in judgment of her, I’d probably still be judging her right now. What she got going on, she just don’t you not benteke. But I stopped and showed myself the compassion went, No, no, no, no, no. What do we know? What do we know? What do we know? All judgment is self judgment, what’s happening here? What’s happening here, and I gave myself the space and compassion to do the work, and to just really get curious about what was being activated in me. And what this was reflecting to me. And were were there parts of myself that I wasn’t willing to acknowledge. So you see how that compassion just diffuses all of it. So start with the judgment journal. It’s one of my favorite activities. What I started with years ago, it took me about three days, just kidding 30 minutes, not really about three seconds to go, you was one of the first assignments my coaches gave me. in about three seconds flat, I went, Oh, you, you. But it took me a while to really understand the power of judgment and how it it just takes over our lives and how it blocks us. It’s taken me years to kind of really do the deeper work around it. But it all started with the judgment journal. Most of my clients are shocked when they start keeping a judgment journal at what’s actually going on in their mind and how much they’re in judgment, which again, means you’re in judgment of yourself. So if you can start to diffuse that by showing yourself some compassion and really leaning into Okay, what’s actually going on here? Why am I activated by this individual or thing? That’s when you can really start to do the work.
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