Being comfortable with being uncomfortable with Raditia Lasry

So welcome, Radita, how are you today?

 

00:52

I’m doing great. I’m doing really good. Thank you. I am so excited to have you here. Because First off, we are sharing an amazing leadership circle. But I know that you just got finished with this retreat, and I need to know all the things just just spill the tea please.

 

01:11

Well, the question is more, where do you want to begin?

 

01:17

The question would be where do you want to start? How did you get into this retreat? First off?

 

01:22

Alright, so I am a, I’m teaching mindfulness. And

 

01:29

whenever I spoke, or asked a question about how to be a great mindfulness teacher, the same question always comes back to me. Not question but

 

01:45

indication and information is that you have to keep doing retreats, as many as you can, at least 110 day a year. And that’s the message that I have been receiving from Jon Kabat Zinn that I’ve had the honors to ask questions in person, one on one. And that was his his advice. And my mentor that I’m working with, in this teacher training to become a mindfulness meditation teacher, which is just an extension and to get a certification in what I’ve been doing for the past two years, and actually even longer than that. And so she was also saying, like, retreats, retreats, retreats. So when she said that, I went to look, and I looked up spirit rock, which is on the west coast. It’s meditation, mindfulness, space. So you seem to know about that. Yeah. And so I saw one that was perfect for this last week, because that nothing planned last week, besides one mentorship meeting that I have every two weeks, that I easily can move. And so that had to be it. So that’s why I signed up.

 

03:10

And tell us a little bit more about 30 day. No, it was five days, but it was five days of like, what kind of mindfulness? Well, so the title of it is insight meditation, the direct path to liberation.

 

03:29

And it’s based on insight meditation, and so therefore silent, it’s noble silence, retreat. And

 

03:41

usually they’re 10 days. And this one is five days, probably because of the workweek. And

 

03:49

you have a whole schedule, you begin in the morning, and it ends in the evening, and every hour is planned. You doing

 

04:00

silent meditation, like you’re on your own, but with the group, you’re doing, walking, meditation, or mindful walking, you have designated times when you eat.

 

04:13

You don’t write, you don’t read you. You don’t do anything but spend time with yourself.

 

04:21

I turned off my phone for five days, from the moment that it started till it was ending.

 

04:28

And I only like I’m I did it at home.

 

04:35

And so I have a six year old and a husband and they just had to deal with me not speaking much. I did speak in the morning because with a six year old, it’s tough to tell them like hey, I won’t be talking to you but you’ll be seeing me around.

 

04:54

So we did talk in the morning, but he knew that only limited times and at night at

 

05:00

would only say good night Goodbye, like, yeah, good before sleep time and would exchange a few words, but nothing crazy. And then that was pretty much my my days, I slept in a guestroom, I had this whole room to myself, I will close the door, I will be in there. And yeah, that was it. So what was that experience? Like? Just being silent with yourself?

 

05:30

I actually don’t mind them. I really loved that time. And I mean, I can laugh on my own, I don’t need to have anything to laugh about. It could be just me. I’m just sitting there all the sudden that have like, Whoa, moments, you know? And I’m like, Well, that was pretty darn good. Like, who could have come up with this? You know, so it’s like,

 

05:54

pretty funny like that. And, yeah, I don’t really have a problem. I actually noticed that. Now, like, I haven’t spoken much today. But the amount that I spoke today is already too much. Like before this call, even though I was on a phone with a friend, for maybe 90 minutes, we wouldn’t see each other, but my eyes were open the whole time. Like before this call, I had to like, go sit down and close my eyes for what amount of time because I just fell, my eyes were just so exhausted already. And so what I’ve learned is just that we’re using way too much talking like we’re talking way too much not saying anything. And it just teaches me that every day, I just have to limit the amount of words I use. And

 

06:45

especially when it comes to conflict for an incident that keeps coming to mind. It’s just that we don’t need to explain ourselves to the most details, and how we really felt like if we can really get into the essence of that conflict. It’s all said, If I can really sense of what I felt in that particular moment that it’s all said. And so it’s really interesting how

 

07:14

when you spend time on your own,

 

07:18

and you’re not really talking that you get all the answers, you don’t need outside sources to tell you what to think or what to say. Because in fact, I feel that is distracting us from what we actually know already. And we’re getting misguided from our core. Yeah.

 

07:44

That’s so interesting. That’s like the core of what you are teaching and what you’re sharing with the world is like going inward with self.

 

07:53

Yeah. And you know, it’s so interesting, because this particular retreat was so different, because it had nothing to do with me. Like, even though I just spent the time by myself, but all the thoughts that came up all the ideas, and the new things I wanted to focus on, was how we as humans function. So it wasn’t as much of my issues or my challenges or my struggles, or, you know, my friend was asking me about my thoughts. What what, you know, did you have thoughts or anything that you were, like, ruminating around? And I was like, No, actually, there were no much specific thoughts about something specific going on, you know, which is interesting, because it’s like, so is there nothing going on, you know, and it’s like, I guess, nothing that would matter so much in my life at that moment, to be ruminating about thinking.

 

08:57

That is, so to me, I’m like, my mind is like, like my job like my brain just shut off. Like, I don’t even know how to comprehend that, because I like not thinking and not constantly doing. But I bet like did it change how you felt physically in your body taking that time?

 

09:18

Oh, you’re touching exactly on that. Because what I came to realize we had to do walking meditations. And I should say mindful walking, because then it’s much more it makes more sense that way.

 

09:32

And, you know, it’s not the first time I’ve done it. But I think it’s the first time

 

09:39

that I had enough time to ask myself, what’s different with sitting meditation or mindful walking, and after the first full day on Tuesday, what was interesting is exactly what you just said is that I became

 

09:57

more aware on

 

10:00

What relationship I should have with my body. And instead of what we’ve been having with it. So what I said, we had the first Dharma talk at the end of the day, like every day, at the end of the day, we have an hour where they just talk about certain aspects.

 

10:18

And they were like, earlier in the day, we’ll, he was explaining about the mindful walking, how it works that you do one step after the other, and you just notice lifting off your foot and moving right. And then in the evening, Nisha, she was then again saying like, you know, he did it so gracefully. And I’m sure when you’re doing it, it’s not graceful at all, right? You’re like, it’s kind of mechanical, when you starting off doing this really like with new thinking, like, Alright, I’m lifting my foot. Okay, and what is it really going to do? Like, why is that important? And so I started ruminating, like thinking about it, like, ruminating, I don’t know, that’s like, seems to be maybe I should read Rumi, because I’ve been ruminating.

 

11:06

So what I started realizing that evening, when I was doing the dishes, because it’s all the same thing. We’re using our bodies, be it mindful walking, mindful, eating, mindful dishing, we’re doing this.

 

11:22

And

 

11:23

I got out of Dharma talk, I had to do dishes, I wanted to do dishes. And then I thought of tech, not Han, who always talks about doing dishes mindfully. And then, all of a sudden, like, I’m like, oh, mg, I just realized that, I’m starting to use my body, to use my body, not for the sake of using it to do something else. So let’s use the dishes as an example. Usually, we thinking of like, Oh, I’m holding the pop, and the cleaner to clean it. So the dish gets clean, our goal is to clean the dish.

 

12:05

But in fact, if we’re doing mindful dishing, I’m just gonna call it that.

 

12:11

It’s not about getting the dish clean. It’s about the interaction that we’re having while doing the dishes.

 

12:21

So I was thinking about, I’m using my arm, my elbow, in this manner, I’m using my fingers holding the pen. So I’ve had a different relationship to my body, I started to one appreciate my body, and to relate it to the actions that I’m doing, versus the outcome that my actions will be doing. That makes sense. Make sense to me? Okay, good. I think that that’s cool that you’re taking like, it actually, again, makes you slow down, get into your body. And I love that it takes you out of that moment of just seeking that goal, because that causes so much distress in our bodies.

 

13:08

Yeah, and you pointing exactly to it, because what we are doing all our lives is using our bodies solely for a vehicle to getting from A to B. And we’re missing out on the action between a B

 

13:27

in between the transition between a to b. And it really was such a new way of thinking and how to relate to it that I am not doing the things that I’m doing to do them. It’s to be present in each moment. And so this retreat has really been the most eye opening I’ve ever come maybe because I’m so much immersed in this, like, I am a mindfulness teacher kind of aspects like I really become more interested in understanding what this work really is about this teaching. It’s not about making seven, seven figures, right? Like, that can’t be my goal to be this profession. Like that’s just the can’t work because then I’m losing this already. Because I can’t. As a mindfulness teacher, I realized I can’t be thinking about the future. All I can do is thinking about them now. All I can think about is the conversation I’m having with you right now, how I’m feeling and not what this outcome will be completing this.

 

14:44

And so it really resets

 

14:48

our way of living, and we are becoming more aware for sure. But also, we appreciate our bodies for what it does, and not just

 

15:00

misusing it for the sake of using it? Because it’s available to us at no cost, right? And so we are spending so much more time putting our thoughts into something that we have to pay for something because we think he has more value. Because Yeah, I’m spending $10,000 on a car, or Well, okay, $10,000 car is very cheap, let’s say $100,000 for a car, right?

 

15:26

And yes, we’re getting an amazing car, it probably has amazing engineering in there. But the body is free. And what I’m doing with it is the question, because if I have something for free, do I then misuse it? Because it shows me less worth because there’s no dollar signs attached to it, when in fact, there is no, no tag we can ever attach to the body. Because once we’re gone, we’re gone. And so that whole idea of transition from getting from A to B, I just put it to a to z, from birth to death, and that life is a whole transition, and that we’re not comfortable being in the middle of this transition of breathing in breathing out.

 

16:12

Just doing the dishes, then what’s the point? Yeah,

 

16:17

my brain is like, it’s processing.

 

16:21

I am so intrigued by this, slowing down getting engaged being now not future thinking. Because, I mean, I’ve, I can’t honestly say when I’ve not been goal driven.

 

16:39

And that piece that you are talking about from being now allowing it to be and just honoring our vessel is that’s magical.

 

16:53

So magical. So how are you going to use this in your everyday life going forward so that you can stay within this balance of being inward? And now?

 

17:05

Well, one,

 

17:08

describing it to my friend, she’s like, well, that’s good for you. That’s amazing. I was like, well, it was just a one. Okay, so. But one thing I started doing is to turn off my phone, like, because I had it off for five days, I now have a different relationship to receiving information from the outside world, right? I now realize that there is so much information happening inside of me that I can, you know, dedicate less time to the outside world and more time to the inside world. Because that’s where as you said it, the magic happens. Because you can’t create what you’re creating if it wasn’t for you.

 

17:47

And he wouldn’t be you.

 

17:50

If it didn’t come from you. If it was somebody else making it doing it for you, right? Even if you put your tag on it and say like, Jen, Jennifer’s that’s our, but it didn’t come from you it has doesn’t have the same meaning to you, right.

 

18:07

So what I wanted to do is like use my phone on like, literally on not just on silent mode, not just on airplane mode, but totally off around seven, eight ish o’clock in the evening, and not turn it on until the next day, around 10:11am.

 

18:26

And so if there are anything important that I know that I have to do, like logging my son into school for COVID questions, I will be going into my internet through my computer, and I will solely do those two things, and then close it and then dedicate myself to whatever things that I want to dedicate to. I might be using my computer, but then again, you want to be more aware. When your thought comes up. It’s like Well, I’m already on the internet. Let me just check Facebook, you know, oh, let me just check, whatever to become more aware of noticing like, Okay, do I really need to check it? Okay, now Wait, okay, it’s 930. Now, an hour not gonna make a difference, right.

 

19:10

So that’s like the one big thing that I want to do to really

 

19:17

I don’t want to say control, but be more in control of the outside force. Because I know for myself, I don’t know about you, but for myself, when my phone is on, and I see it the tendencies to just check it just even for a one second. That turns into five minutes. And then let me check another thing is so tempting. And it’s so large

 

19:42

that it takes so much practice, but when it’s off to literally turn it on, will take much more effort to do that. So about my phone on silent, you can’t hear a single ring nothing. I barely have any notifications on for auto

 

20:00

No, maybe a year or two.

 

20:03

So that wasn’t really much. And still, I’m checking, you know, my social media on a rather regular basis. And the second I said, They’re so cool. I have nothing else to do, right? Let me just check Quick, quick. And instead, I want to just remind myself, if I can check that, I can also just sit here for a couple minutes, close my eyes, put an alarm on, or go outside, even for two minutes. Now.

 

20:32

Oh, I love that and just gave me so many ideas of like, removing socials from my phone. Because until you said that I didn’t realize it actually is effort to go on my computer, and go on social and consume, versus having something in my pocket where it’s, I we call it our leash in my house.

 

20:55

Like, oh, did you forget your leash, and it feels so good, like, so free to leave it behind. But I think that that’s really interesting that you have you made the same observation. And I just made it based on what you just said, because I didn’t even realize that I had thought like that in the past. But going online via your computer does kind of cut some of that cord.

 

21:20

And we can’t deny that that’s, you know, our habits and tendencies and or habitual tendencies to bring it together. It’s like, that’s just how we trained ourselves. And it’s that craving for connections, it’s that craving to being seen and heard and acknowledged, and all these amazing things. And again, if we can’t be acknowledging ourselves and being seen and heard by ourselves, then nobody else will see or hear us. Yes, I’m also posting things. And yes, I also want to have, you know, an impact on the outside world. Yes, of course. But it doesn’t have to be 24, seven on my watch, or my health or my body, right, because if I don’t do that, then nobody will do it. And somebody wants said,

 

22:08

that when you talk about emails and responding to emails, it’s you who determines the rules, right? If I always immediately, you know, respond to a message that I’ve been receiving that might not need to be responded right away, that can be waiting a day or two that has no effect. If I always immediately respond, a person will expect you to always respond, and they will be maybe even worried that you don’t. And so it’s us to slowly let them know that our selves know, it’s okay not to respond, we feel we need to respond because it would show we don’t care, or we would show it doesn’t matter, we don’t matter or they don’t matter, or we’re not enough, or they’re not enough, or whatever these thoughts that we’re having, right.

 

22:59

And all these thoughts that we’re having towards the outside is, as you probably know, a reflection of ourselves. So if we can’t put those boundaries, those you know, regulations or ways of how we’re interact with our outside world, or our immediate surroundings, then they will take advantage because they can, if they can’t, any more than they want. So it’s us who allows it to happen. And so by being more present and aware of what’s going on inside of us, we really are able to also demonstrate that for real, and other people, especially the people that we living with, will notice that and they will be like,

 

23:45

Why? Why are you not doing that anymore? Like that? That thing, whatever that thing is that you’re doing? Right? It’s like, why not doing that? Then you’d be like, Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know, either, you know, and so you create a new pattern.

 

24:01

Because we’re changing, or the people will notice that they have to change or want to change or they appreciate your change or whatever that is, and it can only happen when we’re aware of something. So yeah.

 

24:15

That’s That’s such a great point. And it’s because we are teaching people how to treat us and how to interact with us. And that people pleasing and wanting to fit in and be cared for and all the things I was just I was having this conversation with somebody yesterday and it was like, Oh my goodness, that that’s it. That’s like the main thing is we from a young age want to fit in.

 

24:39

And we want to be you know, we fit into everyone else’s boxes, but we forget about our own fine little world.

 

24:47

Yeah, that’s really cool that this is the kinds of things that are coming up from being in that retreat.

 

24:54

Yeah, and we teaching ourselves what is most important to us, you know, because

 

25:00

If I always think that somebody else has the answers, and that somebody else has something that I need to have to make my life more fulfilled, then we’ll always be looking outside of ourselves. And then, once we’re at the end of our lives, or ill somewhere in a hospital, and we have nowhere or can’t go anywhere, we feel lost. But even in those moments, and I believe I haven’t been in that situation, but I believe that with this practice, when I get to that point, I don’t have to feel sorry for myself, I can be celebrating myself to have gotten to this point, come this far, because it’s nobody’s fault. Or, you know, we happen to be where we happen to be, for whatever reason, whatever we’ve done, and so that we got to a point, it’s just to get our eyes open, become more aware. And if we can do this, before we get ill, before something drastic happens in our lives, then we really save our lives, before it actually happens. And that’s what we love to call prevention. And that could be prevented in anything, right? And that’s just prevention, to live a fulfilled life, until the end of your life, because we don’t know when that is, it could be tomorrow, it could be 10 years from now, it could be in 4080 years from now, right? We don’t know. If we’re going moment by moment and not trying to get somewhere at a certain point.

 

26:34

We’re not missing out. Because we’re right where we were supposed to be.

 

26:40

Cuz that’s like my job. Okay, we’re done. All right, move on next. Oh, just kidding. But it’s true. Like, I’m just like, I love this podcast, because it’s always like where I need to be. I feel like this, this podcast, honestly, is divinely guided for all of my listeners and myself.

 

27:04

I just, that’s,

 

27:06

there’s just so much goodness, and there’s so much gold and what you’re saying about that, like being just being like, we are human beings. And we forgot how to be by always focusing on that long term goal and the moment by moment. So if someone was really stressing out, like, okay, I am thinking 10 years in the future, I am just going all out. What is like one thing that they can do since you’re a mindfulness teacher to bring them back into their body into the present moment? What’s something easy?

 

27:42

Well, the easiest thing that I discovered is to be aware of the actions that were taking.

 

27:52

And as simple as the last post that I wrote about, do you scratch that itch?

It’s that simple. Are you aware, when you have an itch that you’re going to scratch, that moment of becoming aware of an itch arising, and not scratching?

How difficult let’s get the thoughts feel good, right? There is a relief relief to like scratching, but we also know, the one time we scratch, we will scratch again.

Right? It’s like, almost guaranteed the same exact spot will come it might even be every single day at the same time, the same place. Like it could be as crazy as that is to just notice what’s arising,

not to react.

 

28:52

Notice it coming, and then be at two seconds. You know, like it doesn’t have to be like until it goes away. Which if you do meditation, if you you know, meditate, you notice that? Okay, that’s technically what you’re supposed to do, right is to notice what arises and not react to it, even if it’s edge to just let it pass by and observe it right. And so the same thing goes with the phone, you have a phone notification comes on.

 

29:24

You notice that like I noticed notification comes on what is arising, there is an urge to pick it up. Why? What is happening, just simple questions. And then with attention, you’re going to open it up or you will decide. I’m okay right now, I don’t think I need it. That will be your next step. But for the beginning, is just really notice.

I’m going to open this phone right now because I wanted to check something because the notification came up. So we starting to get an

Understanding that we are letting our minds our thoughts to manipulate the outcome of our actions.

So that we understand that we can control any actions, that we have a choice to do whatever you want to do in life. And that’s pretty much the most simplest thing to say. And most likely the hardest thing you’ve ever do, because you could use it for drinking, eating all the daily things that you’re doing, to not right away, grab a snack, because your tummy is rumbling. But to realize, Oh, my God, when’s the last time I ate? Or, and I’m just hungry because I’m bored? Or is it hungry, because my tummy is really telling me that I haven’t eaten in a long time. And so these are the things that I’ve learned in this past week. That is really the greatest teaching like before, I would have told you, like, take a few breaths here and there. But this I do believe is the greatest teaching and the one that we can relate to on the every day that we just let pass by, because we’re just doing them. And yeah, that’s pretty much my my tip of the day.

 

31:15

An amazing tip. So where can people find you if they want more tips?

 

31:21

Well, I am on Instagram and Facebook. As of next week, I’m actually doing a more you know, controlled way of posting things. So they’re not just whenever I feel like it. I’ll have themes of the week that was related to what I’ve learned last week as well. So it’s on Instagram and Facebook, it’s mindful being LLC. So the Facebook is just one all in one word. And in on Instagram is mindful that being that LLC, and then my website mindful being llc.com. That’s where they can connect with me also and find more information. I have meditations three times a week, so two evenings and one afternoon Eastern time. Yeah.

 

32:09

And I’ll make sure to get everything in the in the shownotes, obviously, so that people can find you. Because if I mean, at my mind is like I need to be present, I need to be here. And now I need to slow down. I need to know all the things I trained under a former monk. And these weren’t even things that I did in my training. And I was like, wow, that’s like the most deep, profound thing ever. The hardest, easiest thing that I’ll ever do in my life.

 

 

32:36

All the emotions, all the feelings all in one.

 

32:41

Exactly. I mean, one thing I just wanted to add, the why I picked those simple things also in this everyday things is because we can fix something larger, like frustration and anger. We can’t get hold of these little things. And so this is just the first step to get closer to noticing an anger arising and experiencing without being angry. And so that we can start responding to anything in life. Not just the immediate things in our personal life, but also the things that happens in interaction with other people.

 

33:17

I love that. So if somebody walked away with just one little Mic drop Golden Nugget, what would you want them to walk away with?

 

33:26

I guess the biggest thing that I always say it starts with awareness. Change starts with awareness. And the moment we become aware, the moment change can happen.